OH, FASCINATIONS.

I watched this movie on Netflix today and it got me thinking - a lot. The movie was about how in an unimaginable future, everyone in the world stopped aging at the age of 25 and thereafter only have a year left to live. They would then have to figure their way out in order to have a longer life span as time was also the universal currency everyone needed to work for. They used the time that they had on hand to pay for food, for shelter, for transport; well, basically, to live.

Every second was crucial. Every second counted. Every second spent on something is actually something.

Now, back to our time. I was lying in bed after I just ate a huge ass burger from McDonald’s watching this movie whilst it reminded me every other minute on every second I was wasting watching it (yep, the irony) and getting fat.

I spent two weeks pitying myself for getting dumped by a jerk. I had not been able to feel good about myself. I had been feeling like I am not enough. I had also been thinking that there must be something absolutely wrong with me to not be loved.

Random real time situation - I saw this tiny chubby baby sitting on his dad’s shoulder and balancing himself by holding onto his dad’s ears. Too cute.

So, if I did not have any time to lose like how it was in the movie, if I was down to the last hour or minute of my life, would I be crying over this jerk who did not think I was worth his time? For two whole weeks - I had been thinking about what I could have done differently for us to last. I lost countless hours of sleep thinking if he was thinking of me and when I did fall asleep, I dreamt of him wanting to get back together with me then I woke up feeling abandoned all over again. It was a complete nightmare.

He hurt me but truth was, I was the one who prolonged the pain by refusing to get over it (oh, dear heart, so ignorant. Grow up.).

We live in this world where we rarely think about us running out of time. We generally take each and every day for granted. We procrastinate and think about doing certain things tomorrow or the day after or the week after next or the following year (you get the drift) because we think we have time. Truth is, we will never know when we are going to run out of time.

Then I thought the people in the movie actually had an advantage over us as they did know how much time was left for them as they had a countdown timer imprinted on their arms. They knew and they could make time count. And for the fact that we don’t, shouldn’t time be a more delicate factor in our lives?

It then hit me, I sat up, got out of bed and headed for the shower to get ready to live my life. I packed my laptop into my bag and came to this cafe along Haji Lane - the narrowest street in Singapore (another random fact for those who are reading this) and started writing this.

Why? You may asked. I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve always thought I had a flair in writing (my own bias opinion obviously). I write about things I feel strongly for then occasionally I’d let my best friend read it and she would always tell me I should give writing a real shot (another bias opinion).

So based on every (biased) honest opinion, I did not want to waste another minute not doing something I have a real passion for. Perhaps the movie was a decent waste of my time after all.

Your time is yours to waste. Waste it wisely.

We’ve been keeping distance for awhile now so I’m surprised at how affected I am to know that you’ve lost someone so dear to you. I might even be worrying about how you’re taking it all in. I wish I could give you a hug now.

Please feel better soon.

if I knew how it would be, I wouldn’t have allowed it.
if I knew what you were like, I wouldn’t have believed you.
if I knew things were going to end up this way, I wouldn’t have gotten into it.

if you were genuine, you would have been imperfectly perfect.
if you were truthful, you would have been the best thing that happened.
if you were sincere, you would have been my world.

if I knew, if you were.

craving for your attention. longing for your love.

just yesterday, someone said this: ‘you know, i feel i’ve achieved everything in my life, everything i’ve ever wanted. i have a nice family, i have nice friends, i have travelled more than most people at my age, i’ve seen so much. i’ve achieved so much under the age of 30. and if love is the only aspect in life that i’m always going to fail in, maybe there’s nothing more for me here. maybe it’s time for me to go.’

i was shocked. utterly shocked at how one could take life this lightly - so selfish, so inconsiderate.

love hurts - we all know that.

we have all experienced heartaches in one way or another. be it through family members whom we love by default, through friends whom we love by choice, through lovers whom we love by… chance? well, something.

there’s no right or wrong way of dealing with such pain. we do what we feel works best for us. and most of us, on most occassions, choose to distract or occupy ourselves with a million other things with the hope that we will soon be healed even before we know it.

i used to be like that until i realized the aching did not go away even though i was smiling on the outside. i simply buried the real me. i buried the heartbroken me. and i was screaming so hard but no one could help me because no one could hear me. i almost killed myself.

the only way to live was to let my emotions out. no one could save me when i refused to be heard. so i learned, perhaps burying my feelings wasn’t the best idea. staying true to how i feel was.

i’ve come to accept pain as they come. i weep. i cry. i shed tears till they run out. i cry till my eyes swell up. i let myself break down. i let myself be the most pathetic creature in this universe. i do this for as long as it takes for me to feel okay again. i am determined to feel okay eventually. at least i know, i would have genuinely survive this war with the heart and be a stronger person. a much tougher human being.

leaving this world is not an option. it’s cowardly. it’s unspeakable.

there’s never a time when one has done everything in this world.

never.

if you have done enough for yourself in this lifetime, go do something for someone else. there’s always someone somewhere who is worse off than you are. go find that someone, help that someone. make the world a better place for someone who does not have what you have.

the more love you give, the more love you get.

believe it.